I’m guilty.
Guilty of constantly and consistently apologising for things I have no need to apologise for. There is a right time and a place for a meaningful apology but the truth is so many of us find ourselves saying sorry far too much and far too often. It’s seemingly engrained into us – especially women.
So often I find my most used word of the day is sorry. ‘Sorry’ to the person that bumped into me, ‘sorry’ to the person that had to wait a very reasonable time for an email response/or even a meet and greet and ‘sorry’ to the person who has decided they don’t like what I stand for. Hindsight tells me that I really shouldn’t apologise for half of the things I apologise for but most importantly I shouldn’t apologise for being me.
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Here are the 3 things we really shouldn’t be apologising for and why I’ve decided to make a conscious effort to limit saying I’m sorry – join me?
MY APPEARANCE
I apologise for my appearance far too often and up until recently I don’t think I ever really noticed just how much it was a part of my everyday vocabulary. Without thinking, I apologise for wearing no makeup, for not having my best clothes on, for letting my inner child out, for the huge spot that just erupted on my face or not having washed my hair for a couple of days – so many things that actually I shouldn’t be apologising for at all. I am human and this is me. If I choose to not wear makeup, to venture to the shop/movies with my bare naked face or to embrace my new spotty friend, then why should I apologise for it? Admittedly I often make the apology in jest and sometimes as an ice breaker but in an effort to turn that apology on it’s head, I’m really trying to be aware of how my apologies could be interpreted by others. I’m not at all sorry for my appearance, messy hair and makeup-free face included, and I’d love to grow my confidence enough to leave that too often given apology behind me.
MY FEELINGS
If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past few years, it’s that my feelings are valid and they are mine alone. Because someone else is hurting doesn’t mean I can’t hurt too, and because someone else may be experiencing an awful time in their lives, it doesn’t make my feelings any less worthy. In the same way, I should never apologise for wanting to celebrate my victories and the emotions that come with those victories. There are of course ways to express those feelings correctly and maturely, but I know I should never have to apologise for the things that I am naturally feeling. Apologising for the emotions that are at the core of who I am, shouldn’t be a part of my vocabulary, and I’m trying my best to become more meaningful and forthcoming with my emotions. I’m not sorry for the way I feel and I’m looking forward to recognising even more, that I am allowed to express those feelings too.
MY PRIORITIES
My priority list has taken a huge leap forward in 2020 and although there is still so much to work on, I’m learning that I should never apologise for the priorities I’m making and creating. The opportunities I’ve earned and continue to work towards, shouldn’t warrant an apology to a different side of my life. I’m not perfect and as I’ve often joked about, I also don’t have access to a time machine to allow me to be able to take every chance I’m given – personal or otherwise. This means I sometimes miss out on family time, on time with friends and on other amazing career breaking moments but I pinpoint my priorities with my future in mind and I should never feel the need to apologise for working towards a life lived well. I’m not sorry for prioritising certain things in my life and I’m sure although I will make mistakes in the process, as we all do, no apologies are needed for the decisions I make.
It’s a habit I’d like to break and one I’d love to turn into a more positive aspect of my life. Apologies are of course polite and are much needed in the right circumstance, but I’d like to say goodbye to the flippant apologies I make so often. I’d love to encourage even one other person to be mindful of their apologies and only say ‘I’m sorry’, when it’s truly necessary.
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The greatest reason, I believe, to stop apologizing, is to simply stop apologizing.
I believe that when we “apologize”, we had meant something, and when we apologized, we withdraw when we meant. That is because even the “believers of truth” are stunned by their own words.
Even the people who speak what is on their own mind, are shocked, by their own words that they had spoken, themselves. Therefore, that great freedom in speech, is to speak without apologizing, afterwards.
Interesting! How did you begin to apologize about your appearance? Is it something you saw growing up?
I love this. This is an issue I read about years ago re women and although I continue to be apologetic for all aspects of my existence far too much, I drum not doing the same with my friends and daughters. “I’m sorry” they say, for everything. “Don’t apologize,” I say. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
There are times when i genuinely screw up and need to genuinely apologize, but it’s not for those three reasons. You’re so right!
All three…but especially priorities!
Great content! Super high-quality! Keep it up! 🙂
💓
Great post.
I think that at times apologizing for a host of things we do or say, becomes a slight exercise in self-deprecation on ourselves. We say something we mean or feel strongly in and then immediately apologize and somewhat undervalue or belittle(that might be too strong) ourselves for saying it in the first place.
Feelings and our priorities as you mentioned in your post are big ones for sure, that need no apology.
Thanks for sharing.
Great post! My mentor used to say “A Goddess does not apologize.” Go Goddess! 😉 ❤
Life is too short. A hackneyed saying but true. A life spent in apologia would only make life shorter. I believe one should focus on what makes one happy. Especially your priorities, which encompasses appearance as well as emotions. Great piece my soul sister. Your words shine like fireflies and bloom like a field of butterflies
There was one apology I wish I hadn’t done. I spent twenty years in law Enforcement, and one night there was the worst traffic accident I’d ever seen. A car didn’t get hit by a semi truck. It got run over by a semi truck. Before the night was over, we had two injured girls in the hospital, a young man on a Flight for Life chopper (he didn’t make it), and a guy on his way to morgue. Me and another guy were covered from head to two with their blood.
A few weeks later I was making some extra money working a basketball game at one of the schools. I’d gone out to check the parking lot, came in, and there’s this little cheerleader standing in front of me. she sticks out her hand, introduces herself, and says “I want to thank you for trying to save my brother.”
I stammered through an apology that left me feeling sad and empty. It wasn’t until years Later I found peace on the subject. What I was apologizing for was my lack of skill when working on him. I didn’t have the skill to heal an injured brain on the spot. I didn’t have the skill to repair damaged organs. All I could do was stop the bleeding, and do CPR.
I came to realize that even if the best doctors in the world, and the greatest trauma center in the world was right next door, they still would have died. It was shocking revelation that I did the best I could. there was just no keeping them alive.
I wrote about it as an open letter of sorts to the young lady on my blog. If you want to check it out, it’s called “The Gospel according to MASH – A letter to Melanie.”
So you’re sorry for saying “sorry’! 😁
I totally get this. “Sorry” is a number one Canadian word.
Btw, I almost always find women more attractive without any makeup. But I get that it is a very old tradition. My former gf used to remind me that I sometimes use face cream in winter… which, she said, isn’t so different..
Busted. 😁
I find myself apologizing for hurting someone else’s feelings. I apologize when there’s nothing I can do to alleviate someone’s pain or fix a problem. I don’t apologize for things about me I do not want to change.
I feel sorry for people and tell them I’m sorry in order to empathize, but not to take the blame for the way things turned out. You can say you are sorry to the cheerleader who lost her brother because you empathize with her, not that you’re taking the blame for his death. You are sorry for her loss.
Thanks for sharing these notes. They are things we should be sincere with to ourselves and to others. It’s like we are apologizing for who we are. Whereas it should be for the wrong we have dealt we should be sorry for.
So important to say and for people hear. Great writing!
For the times we equate apologizing with feeling we did something wrong, we can choose instead to be accountable for our actions if it’s called for. Rather than say, “I’m sorry for yelling at you,” we can instead say, “I didn’t intend to express myself this way,” and maybe explain what you meant. Or maybe after doing the wrong thing and hurting someone or ruining circumstances for them, we can say, “After reflection, I realize I did the wrong thing. How can I make this right?”
For those who apologize for appearance, feelings, and priorities, I share the popular reminder: What other people think about me is none of my business.
Dralexandergrey said it best above—life is too short, and I’ll add, to be nothing but honest with each other while keeping integrity intact. Never apologize for being real.
Great share! Have you heard the idea of shifting our “I’m sorry’s” to “thank you…”. As in shifting “I’m sorry for being late” to “thank you for waiting.” Instead of “I’m sorry for my appearance.” Shift to “Thank you for appreciating all phases of my beauty.” Such a simple tool to shift from a disempowered place to an empowered place.
Interesting to read your piece and the comments that followed. I can tell you that as I have gotten older, I worry less about what others may think of me. This is not in a callous way, but simply that I know who I am, and I don’t apologize for that. However, I do apologize for mistakes I make and whether Caroline, above, realizes it or not, Than you for waiting is a polite way of acknowledging you were late.It is still a form of sorry, just not a bad one. You made a commitment you didn’t keep and you are saying you realize they didn’t have to wait. The second Thank you, in my opinion is simply not necessary.
There are times when people close to us comment on our appearance in an attempt to help us look our best and be our best, from their point of view. When strangers do so, the correct response is none, though you may be thinking FU. All in all, I think you are trying to own who you are, as we all must. I know this is still something that comes up in my own writing.
Other Plans
If I knew
I was dying,
what would I say
about me?
To you
who knew me
best, better,
perhaps,
than I know
myself.
Still,
I have secrets.
We all
have secrets.
What will I say
about my life?
Plans, hopes, dreams,
some realized
in unexpected ways.
Should I tell
what really happened,
all of it?
Do even I
know
all of it?
Should I tell
made-up tales,
stories I create,
ribbons, threads
of what happened,
actual events?
Or, my perceived reality,
woven with strands
drawn from me,
changing color
where they overlap,
becoming
the image
I display,
think I must be?
New highlights.
shined up,
my best
and brightest,
casting
darker shadows,
deep caves
to hide myself,
hoard my treasures.
Precious truth,
which I may be
afraid to face,
embarrassed by
its ugly face.
Could I face
my inner demons,
see my monsters
as myself,
reality and being
joined without
contrivance,
obfuscation?
Neither the garish
painted harlot
nor gilded lily,
simply what is.
Honest and plain
unvarnished truth,
the highest plane
of beauty.
Who I am,
as life intended
me to be.
Well written. Aishwarya Shah.
Great post!